When Animals Die and It's Your Fault

Navigating the Worst Feeling as a Farmer and the Public's Response

Be it the natural harvest of an animal raised for the table or a beginner’s mistake; loss hits hard and the emotional and social fallout can be devastating.

I walked out to the field and saw the body. She was laying on her side in the frosted grass, the same ice that tipped the winter-browned turf also covered her wool. When I reached out to touch her everything felt stiff and wrong. Like someone stretched a damp wool sweater over a metal frame, all natural movement ceased. I knew she was dead. And I knew it was my fault.

I still remember how that moment felt. The rush of guilt and fear, the doubt that washes over every decision as a beginner homesteader. I was in my early thirties and brand new to raising a breeding flock. I didn’t see the signs of weakness slowly gaining on her from internal parasites. I didn’t understand how to read a sheep’s face for gauntness, notice unbalanced or erratic steps… I didn’t recognize any the subtle signs in time. I didn’t have the experience yet to even know what to look for. It didn’t matter. This ewe died because I failed her.

How it Feels to Lose Livestock

If you decide to raise farm animals it isn’t a question of if it will happen, but when. As the old saying goes: where there’s livestock there’s deadstock.

It feels horrible. It fills you with grief and doubt. It makes you question every decision that lead up to the point you’re fighting back tears while removing the body. For some, that first loss of an animal is enough to end their farming aspirations. I don’t blame them. Drag a 100lb carcass to bury in a cold rain and you’ll start looking into growing vegetables full time.

You can read a hundred books and stalk online forums—but until you have hens in your first backyard coop or a flock outside your window—none of that can prepare you for placing hands on a stiff body. I want to talk about dealing with that feeling, the fall out, and the online politics and emotions of losing livestock in your care.