Late Bloomer: How To Talk to Girls

A Reader's Question Answered About Building Confidence From Scratch

This is Late Bloomer, an essay series about coming out later in life. This is not an academic dissection. This is a farmer talking about how long it took me to catch up, and what that experience has taught me. I hope writing this series helps build allyship and understanding and saves some of you the time I lost.

Last post in this series I talked about being queer in rural America. This post is a direct response to a reader’s questions regarding talking to girls and asking them out.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert in sexuality or psychology. I am a lesbian memoirist sharing experiences and opinions. Do not read or listen to this post if sexuality is challenging for you to think about or question at this time.

New to this series? Here are the archives so far:

Part 1: Lesbian Coyotes Mugged Me at a Waterfall (When I realized I was gay)

Part 2: Why Women Take So Long To Realize They’re Queer (Comphet)

Part 3: Fear of Change & Moving Past It (Being brave for yourself & others)

Part 4: Body Issues (Getting over ourselves so we can be happy)

Part 5: Building Community (How to make queer friends)

Part 6: Coming Out (The work of changing identity in adulthood)

Part 7: Subtle Homophobia (You’re different now, pay attention)

Part 8: Rural Queer Survival Guide (Small town gays)

Recently, I Was Sent This Message:

Hey Jenna, I love your content! I had left a comment on one of your posts where you asked if anyone wanted more late bloomer related stuff but it felt a little too personal for other people to see, so I decided to send you this message. I’m questioning my sexuality and have been struggling with that. Your late bloomer content is important and helpful to me, so yes, please keep making it.

I’m interested in anything from how your experiences with men compare to those with women to how to actually talk to girls/ask them out. I hope you see this! Thank you for all you do 💓

First of all, thank you for asking! Getting specific questions is so appreciated. I’m here to write what you want to read and that goes for anyone reading this. Your questions are welcome for this series. My thanks in advance to anyone considering!

Per your questions, I’ll share my thoughts about men vs women first, but please understand this is all based on personal experience. I am not speaking on behalf of all queer women, and I am not generalizing all straight men. But I will be honest about what I’ve come across, for what it’s worth.

Dating Men vs Women

In my personal experience, there’s dramatic differences. But it has less to do with gender than how people view relationships and sex. But for your question, I will generalize: Men are easier to meet, flirt with, and date—but way less rewarding (both sexually and emotionally) than women.

The biggest advantage to dating women is the level of communication, about everything. It’s a fantastic advantage when it comes to things like sex, conflict resolution, problem solving, etc. But the need to be perfectly understood at all times can be exhausting, and at its worse, burdensome.

I don’t think queer couples are any more or less codependent than straight ones. That sort of mindset has nothing to do with sexuality; that’s attachment styles. But that’s exactly what I am talking about. Lesbians bring up codependency and attachment styles in the first section of an essay about flirting with girls…

Here’s what dating each gender was like for me…

Dating Men Was Simpler, But Lonely

It really was. In so many ways.

It had nothing to do with the men. It was me. I never felt like I could lower my shoulders or unclench my jaw around men. I was always tense. It wasn’t fear. It felt lonely because I never felt seen.

When I was closeted, men saw in me what they wanted to see. If they were interested, I was interesting. If they weren’t interested, I was invisible. Being ignored at a party or in the corner of a book store suited me just fine.

If guys ever did hit on me there’s a 90% chance I didn’t realize it at the time, assuming all male interest in me was absurd. They were just being nice or needed those directions. When you aren’t clear on who you are (especially to yourself!) it’s impossible to pick up on the vibes of people who assume you do.

I have a pet theory that we never realize that random person from our past was hitting on us until we become the people they saw at the time.

I didn’t realize until far too late that it wasn’t the men I wanted; it was their attention. I wanted to be desired. I wanted to be valued. I wanted to be validated and if men were happy to oblige, I’d be relieved. I didn’t like myself enough to deal with uncomfortable thoughts about why none of them felt right.

It took actually liking myself to start dating women, to even consider it. I was so closeted, so in-denial of my queerness for so long, that it took surviving a decade of self-employment on this farm to even begin to believe I deserved happiness.

So if you’re a late bloomer like me, getting to the place where you can even question your sexuality takes a level of growth, awareness, and self love some people never claw their way towards. Attagirl.

The Lavender Haze

When I started dating women everything changed.

There wasn’t the fear, hesitation, or anxiety I felt dating men. I didn’t have to convince myself of anything because I felt actual sexual attraction. Hell, I couldn’t keep my hands off the first few women I dated, something I never experienced around men.

The sex was mind-blowing. After a lifetime of denial those first few experiences were transcendent. Part of me is grateful I waited so long because that lifetime of repression was like a sensory port-wine reduction, yearning makes everything richer.

Sexuality is about so much more than sex. Coming out late in life is about being honest after a lifetime of pretending. It’s about feeling finally connected in a horrifically lonely world. It’s about feeling comfortable, delighted, safe, and horny at the same time.

Sex with men always felt like a round of charades. Sex with women felt like a time slip staycation. That’s the best way I can summarize the differences. Learning that was the reward for asking myself hard things. A reward that keeps on giving.

How to Flirt & Ask Girls Out

I’m so sorry. You’re going to hate this answer.

Confidence.

Everyone responds to confidence. People comfortable in who they are feel safe. I mean that on a cellular level. We’re all drawn to people who are clear about their identity, morals, responsibilities, and place in life. It’s a quiet kind of leadership, unthreatening and calm. When a person walks into the room with nothing to prove and unfazed by other’s opinions, it’s attractive as hell. So, be that kind of person.

This is the best (and only) dating advice I can give. It’s also the most useless.

Confidence isn’t something a person can generate at will. You have to grow it inside by circumference of merit, like rings in a tree. It takes humility, honesty, hard lessons, and stubborn hope to trust yourself. There are no synthetic substitutions for character.

Which is exactly why telling someone who isn’t confident to “be more confident” is pointless. It’s like telling a someone to stop being poor or sick. There are extenuating circumstances, laundry lists of reasons why we feel vulnerable asking to be seen. I understand.

But the good news is, all of us become more confident over time. It’s a side effect of remaining. The longer you’re here the more information you receive about who you are and what you are capable of. Over time you stop believing the lies you told yourself when you were afraid.

There’s not a shortcut to self acceptance or anything, but there things you can do that build up the kind of confidence and self worth people are drawn to. You can practice approaching strangers. You can prove to yourself that your words and actions can spread happiness. You can practice being brave. That’s what I did.

Start Small

Stretch first; build up your social skills slowly.

Start by talking to strangers in a complimentary way. Don’t bring the weight of dating or sexuality into any of it, just get used to saying positive things to another person’s face.

When you’re out running errands, tell the cashier you love her earrings. Tell the older gentleman holding the door for you his smile made your day. Tell the couple walking their dog in the park their pet looks so happy and well behaved! These are people you will probably never see again, and the stakes couldn’t be lower, so hand out compliments and good cheer like a gratis ice-cream truck.

Being kind this way is self-doubt first aid. Whenever you feel worthless, go out of your way to show another person their worth. Watch how you make people smile or blush or eyes glow 10% brighter. It’s as instantly gratifying as mowing the lawn, seeing your words make people feel seen. Worth is one of the few things you overflow with when you give it away.

It will feel weird at first, offering strangers random compliments. It doesn’t always land great. Occasionally you’ll be ignored. But more often than not, the person lights up at kindness in the wild. It’s not about romance, it’s about being accepted in that moment.

It also helps you stop assuming women don’t want you to talk to them. Be honest. If an attractive woman approached you in a museum and said “I love your style! Tell me everything!” would you think she was being weird? Would you be offended?

Probably not. You’d probably feel great after you got over the surprise of a drive by compliment. You’d feel appreciated, seen. You may not feel a hint of attraction or romance to the person complimenting you, but that isn’t the point. The point is to be open to the wild chance of connecting with another person.

Maybe one day your person will be right there in front of you, and you won’t hesitate for one second to approach her, because you’ve been building that confidence like tree rings. She may not feel the same way, but you can still make her day better saying something nice.

That’s how you start talking to ladies, ladies. Start by being more kind to everyone and seeing how welcomed it is. The more you practice, the better the whole world feels.

Step It Up

Once you feel comfortable saying nice things to strangers you have no intention of dating, it’s time to do try it with people you do. Which means putting yourself in places queer women are, in real life and online.

If possible, go out and hang out with the people you want to ask out. I live in the middle of nowhere, but a 45-minute drive in every direction connects me with queer hiking clubs, community centers, pub crawls, book clubs, and speed dating events. Once you get used to saying nice things to strangers without melting, give it a try where everyone else is also gay. The spike in odds is incredible.

For those of you not ready to walk into an indoor climbing gym yet, you don’t have to go from introverted movie nights to club meetings overnight. You can start on the couch. Download a dating app and practice talking to internet people.

Hinge is great for this. It doesn’t matter if she matches or replies, you’re actively talking to another woman interested in women. Sure we’d all prefer running into our loml’s reaching for the same round of brie at the grocery store, but sometimes meet cutes happen in 1’s and 0’s. Your wife may be on the dating app you didn’t download yet.

Dating apps count as talking to girls. You’re still putting yourself out there, casting hope in swipes right. Maybe she’ll reply, maybe she won’t, but either way - you are vulnerably attempting to connect. If I could hand out merit badges for gay milestones, this would be one of them.

So now you’re officially talking to queer girls without feeling like your lungs are outside your ribcage.

Now, what happens if she actually replies?

Flirting & Asking Her Out

Here’s the cheat code to all of this. Flirting and asking a girl out is always easy if it’s right. It’s only hard when it’s not. And you can only know the difference when you know who you are. When you get to that point of self acceptance talking to girls is easy. You’ll know instantly what’s chemical and what’ not.

If you are so scared of rejection you can’t possibly bring yourself to talk to other women, that’s okay. It’s just more information. You aren’t ready yet. Take a step back, and get your brain working on kinder things that build esteem and comfort. Read some queer romance novels, subscribe to gay podcasts, talk to people in your situation online, anonymously if necessary. We can’t rush being ready. We can’t pretend we’re confident before we are.

Sometimes you got to shift gears. I did.

If something outside your sexuality is hindering your confidence, work on that first. Do you have any idea how many make-up tutorials I have watched as a woman who knows how to gut a rabbit in 2 minutes? A lot. Because sometimes I want to look pretty, damnit. Or at least create the suggestion of eyebrows.

How I took care of myself changed after I started taking medication for depression, I wanted to present more how I felt; more confident. Being north of 40, I also wanted to focus on being healthier.

I educated myself on skin care, sleep, and nutrition and started making healthier choices. I stopped drinking, cut back on weed, and focused on what makes me happy: farming and writing about it.

The confidence I am building may never lead to a romantic partnership, I know that. But liking myself through stubborn practice might be the love story I actually need. There’s no shrapnel from loving yourself more. At least not that I’ve witnessed.

It Just Happens

The truth is that when you feel good about yourself, and genuinely attracted to another person who seems open to you flirting, pursuit, courtship, just happens.

It’s never been something you can learn from a book or study from a powerpoint. When two people fit like puzzle pieces, the evidence is undeniable and conversations are easy. You want to spend time with her. You want to know her brother’s middle name and why hubcaps remind her of her father. You can’t help but listen. And spending time together happens. It’s inevitable.

The difference between desire, flirtation, and actually dating is your comfort level with yourself, not her. Everything happens when you accept you deserve it and happen upon someone that agrees. It may not be love, but it could be a hell of a weekend.

We all start somewhere. Everyone you date in earnest kindness will show you a better version of yourself, at least if you’re doing it right. Don’t rush your process. Be open to unexpected good things. And be kinder to yourself. If you didn’t think you were worth loving, you wouldn’t have read all this.

Now go tell a girl something nice. She can’t wait to hear it.

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