Late Bloomer: Let's Talk About Comphet

When The Whole World Insists You're Straight

Friday and the Gay Agenda

This is Late Bloomer, an essay series about coming out later in life. This is not an academic dissection. This is a pig farmer talking about how long it took me to catch up, and what that experience has taught me. I hope writing this series helps build allyship and understanding and saves some of you the time I lost.

Last post in this series I talked about the moment I realized I was gay and how it took another twenty years to accept it. This post is about why it takes some of us (especially lesbian and bi women) so long to figure out who we are.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert in sexuality or psychology. I am a memoirist sharing experiences and opinions. Do not read this post if sexuality is challenging for you to think about or question at this time.

New to this series? Here are the archives so far:

Part 1: Lesbian Coyotes Mugged Me at a Waterfall (When I realized I was gay)

Part 2: Why Women Take So Long To Realize They’re Queer (Comphet is hell)

Part 3: Fear of Change & Moving Past It (Being brave for yourself & others)

Part 4: Body Issues (Getting over ourselves so we can be happy)

Part 5: Building Community (How to make queer friends)

Part 6: Coming Out (The work of changing identity in adulthood)

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Late Bloomer

When I first came out I dated women in my same situation. All of us were starting over after a lifetime of assuming we were straight and only dating men.

It was an intoxicating sorority, all of us mutually thrilled with our second adolescence. I couldn’t get enough of it. The validation, the community, the butterflies, the crushes, the first good sex of my life… I finally felt what all of those poems and romcoms and love songs were about. Like I was finally taking part in the human experience.

If you’re not queer you might be confused. You might be wondering what could make a woman not know she was gay for that long? How could something as primal and intuitive as sexual attraction be “discovered” later in life? How is even possible for your sexuality to change?

These are good questions.

As lesbians, authenticity is the fight of our lives in a world of substitutes.

Allow me to use a theme park metaphor. All the men I dated before I came out felt like the stuff set up to entertain you while you’re waiting in-line for Pirates of the Caribbean, not Pirates of the Caribbean.

But how could I possibly know there was something better ahead if my whole life people only talked about how amazing the line for Pirates of the Caribbean was?! No one told me there was even the option of getting on the ride. Everyone just talked about the line because all those of motherfuckers were into lines. To them, the entire point of Pirates of the Caribbean WAS the line.

It sounds ridiculous and that’s why I’m using this metaphor. You may be straight and have no idea what anything I’m about to write about feels like. Well, that's how it feels. Growing up lesbian in a world of relentless comphet feels like everyone insists the line is better than the ride.

And most lesbians will die believing it. That’s the whole point.

WTF is Comphet

Comphet is the shortened version of “Compulsory Heterosexuality” a phrase originally coined by Adrienne Rich in her 1980 essay “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence.”

Comphet became a buzzword thanks to the infamous Lesbian Master Doc (a pdf that asks women questions they’ve probably never asked themselves).

To summarize comphet: being straight isn’t "natural" or “unnatural” because human sexuality isn’t based on instincts. For many of us, it is taught. I had to be taught. Let me explain.

If you were born in a society where heterosexuality is considered normal (or your moral obligation) sexual identity might be less about who you actually desire and more about fitting in with everyone else. You’re compelled to participate even if you’re not motivated.

From birth you are assigned a gender that matches your sex, and all the stereotypes and expectations that come with it. Pink bows on the girls and blue onesies on the boys. Barbie and Tonka for the toddlers. Makeup and sports for the teens. It’s not even something we think about, it’s how things are. Regardless of your own personal beliefs, sexuality, or politics—being straight is the default.

So much so (up until very recently) if you deviated from your gender’s assigned costumes and interests you’re basically volunteering to be an outcast. For benign examples: think of the boy in high school that wore eyeliner and painted his nails. Or the girl that was a little “too-into” softball and shook hands really hard? In our youth we start getting labeled “other”real quick if anything we do crosses the line. Slurs get thrown around and rumors spread. This is what I mean by sexuality being taught. We are trained through shame.

It starts really young. No one ever points at their 4-year-old son and says “You’re a heterosexual, Brian.” But we are supposed to assume the little boy in blue overalls holding a plastic dump truck is a straight person. And if little Brian picks up a Barbie and starts telling his mom stories about how Barbie spent her day with the girls while dancing her across a countertop… what would the majority of 20th-century parents do? They’d tell him to put that down. Dolls are for girls.

Pick. up. your. truck. Brian.

See what I’m getting at here? When your entire culture, from day one, assigns heterosexuality as the factory standard - and that social norm is constantly reinforced through your entire life including your gender presentation, toys, school, religion, clothes, politics, entertainment. Christ, down to what color balloon you are supposed to buy for a kid’s birthday party…

Don’t you see? Gay kids don’t get to grow up gay. They grow up knowing they are different. And depending on their environment that difference can be welcomed and celebrated or discouraged and threatened. It all depends on how invested their parents are on conforming.

When I was growing up, you could be the queerest little ball of gender-nonconforming hootenanny but if you came out of your mama with a vulva; you’re wearing a dress to the school formal and you’re going with a boy. I didn’t have to be told this. It was expected. And if I would rather go with a girl, then it’s my job to figure that out without community or resources and constant trained shame and fear.

Which is why a lot of lesbians don’t figure it out until adulthood. Because how is anyone supposed to figure out they like rides if they grew up in a line-focused society?! Those are your friends, family, piano teacher, and pastor waving from the line. Oh, and you never even met anyone whose been on the ride? Growing up, you’ve only seen commercials for “The Line” on television. The other girls at Brownies talk about what they’ll wear on their Line Day. Going on the actual ride is considered selfish and indulgent. It doesn’t help build The Line, in fact it actively detracts from it.

And even if you possessed the self awareness to know about the ride, taking part in it means getting on that little boat alone. There might be better things on the other side of the swinging doors, but you’ve got no proof.

Oh, and by the way, everyone back in line is disappointed or ashamed of you now, and some of them think your anatomy becomes perpetually combustible after you die in another dimension because of specific Bronze-Age post-fertile crescent patriarchal mythology - and you wouldn’t believe how popular that stuff is. It isBuck wild that THAT’s become normalized and me kissing girls hasn’t.

The real thing is out there

So Comphet is Just… How Things Are?

Yeah, in a nutshell.

Being straight is so common that most people don’t even think about it, much less question it. We still live in a patriarchy. Men are idealized as masculine leaders and protectors. Women are idealized as feminine nurturers and mothers. Women are expected to defer to men. This is considered, by most people, human nature. It is how things are, but none of that’s instinctual.

Because….

We made it all up folks! Human civilization is pretty new all things considered. Over the past couple thousand years we’ve had all sorts of societies and religions, economies and currencies, philosophies and empires—all with different ideas of what is and isn’t normal. And yes, we made it all up. That’s what people do.

And if you’re reading this in 2024 homosexuality, most definitely, isn’t the default. In fact it’s so uncommon you have to “come out” as any other identity than cisgendered and straight.

Straight was sold to me and I happily bought it. I believed I was straight because I didn’t know any better. The only lesbians I knew when I was going through puberty were Ellen or cliche caricatures in movies (usually portrayed as either feminist killjoys or leather-n-plaid bulldykes). I didn’t feel any kinship with those kinds of lesbians or see myself in them. And when representation is that limited (one comedian who lost her hit show and man-hating cartoons) you assume that “lifestyle” is not for you.

And every single lesbian I’ve been blessed to spend time with has shared this same experience. We only saw lesbians portrayed as distant celebrities or the butt of jokes. We didn’t see lesbians like us, everyday people living everyday lives that just happen to sexually prefer women. There was no time in my entire childhood I wasn’t told I was going to end up with a husband and kids.

I often think how different my life would be if I grew up gay. How much healthier I would have been, physically and emotionally. How much better my grades, my family relationships, my success would be if I never doubted who I was or how I belonged?

We hear “representation matters” all the time. I can’t tell you how true that is. Gay kids need to see happy and healthy gay adults. They need to see families with two dads. They need to read books with cheerleaders who want to kiss other cheerleaders. Because removing visibility is enough for your gay-comphet ass to settle for Kevin in accounting when what you actually wanted was Gloria in Marketing.

This is why activists are banning books and passing “Don’t Say Gay” laws. It’s not because they think a character in a novel or knowing their football coach has a husband will make their kids gay. It’s because if they don’t want their gay kids to realize who they are. There are parents, a lot of them, that would rather scare their own children into being like everyone else than accept them as different.

So How Can a Girl Tell What’s Real?

That’s the work. That’s the terrifying, life-altering, insanely inconvenient work but that is what is happening. As homosexuality becomes more socially acceptable people that never even allowed themselves to consider it, are. Women are asking themselves questions about their attraction to men. Is it real or something they were taught?

For most women reading this, it is real. Most women are attracted to men. (Hell, I’m attracted to some men! I bet there’s a 5% window of men out there that could make me an amazing husband I’d never have good sex with.) But a small and awakening percentage of women is realizing heterosexuality is something they absorbed like traffic laws.

For example: When you walk into a room and see an attractive man, do you want him or do you want to be desired by him? Because those are two very different things, darling. Wanting him, that’s your sexuality. Wanting to be desired by him, that’s comphet. Wanting validation and approval from pleasing him? Also, comphet.

I’ll give you a personal example. When I thought I was straight, I constantly confused friendships with men as crushes. I thought if I liked hanging out with a boy—if he made me laugh and I wasn’t disgusted by his physical appearance—that I must have romantic feelings for him because I was supposed to.

I had been trained to see men as my future partners. That’s what I was taught. And if a man was giving me attention, making me feel special, I confused feeling safe and comfortable with romance.

Then I actually experienced romance.

I fucking saw those pirates, baby! I finally experienced the fireworks! I got to feel what loving every minute of sex, all night, was like. I felt comfortable and seen for the first time by another human being. And the boats around me were loaded with other women that also fell out of line. And none of us feel the pressure to do straight milestones like marriage and kids* because that idea of correct womanhood is just as made up as kilts not being skirts.

And all of this is making people with social or political agendas very nervous simply because a lot of women, for the first time in a long time, are happy just to be themselves.

And that’s the reason you are seeing so many more gay and trans people living openly and proud these days. It’s entirely because of the growing acceptance of LGBT people. The more people learn that being gay is okay, the more okay being gay will become. As it turns out, a lot more people are gay when the State isn’t enforcing heterosexuality at gunpoint.

Figuring out who you are as a lesbian is the ride of your life

So Why Would a Lesbian Stay In Comphet?

Comphet is safe. And that’s why so many closeted women never explore or question their sexuality, don’t even allow themselves to consider they are closeted. That is why, out of all the queer identities, lesbian and bisexual women have the hardest time escaping comphet.

Here are some examples of how queer women convince themselves they are straight because of comphet. This list is straight from the Master Doc.

Ways Queer Women Convince Themselves They’re Straight

• Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women

• Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media

• Being a really intense LGBT+ “ally” and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming you’re just a Really Good Ally and very empathetic

• Being really into how women look “aesthetically”/“just as artistic interest”

• Thinking it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men

• Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+

• Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you don’t understand to f/f love stories etc.

• Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay

All of that is gay as hell, but I didn’t know. If you’re a girl that’s into other girls, but you’ve been trained your whole life to disregard that attraction as intense friendship or jealousy - how could I know?

Every milestone lesbians are told to strive for is based on hetero life: the wedding, marriage, kids, and then assist them in continuing that cycle. That’s what your parents did and what they expect and hope for you. But my thirties, forties, and fifties will be a world apart from my straight peers’ timelines. Because my life isn’t focused on the nuclear family. It’s focused on women and art.

Let’s put it this way. I have six books in the Library of Congress. I have ran my own business and carried this farm for 14 years. I have no criminal record. I pay my taxes. I vote. I participate in my community. And there are still people I know so soaked in comphet they will die feeling I failed at life because I didn’t marry a man and have kids.

If you’re reading this as a closeted queer woman, I see you. I was you. Do not feel shame or guilt for taking so long to figure this out. You ordered from the menu presented to you. No one told you it was okay to order off menu. I’m just the person telling you about animal-style fries in case you didn’t know.

Happiness is Possible

Every woman I have ever kissed thought she would meet the man of her dreams someday. Every one of us has the same story “I didn’t know sooner…how could I?”

Accepting my authentic self was the biggest disruption of my life, but it was also what saved it. My greatest achievement in this mess was becoming who I already was. Something I am very proud of, because pride is the opposite of shame. But it’s also something I am actively grieving. Imagine what I could have achieved had I not wasted half my life trying to convince myself I loved standing in line?

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Thanks for reading. My next essay in this series will deal with dating.

If you’re questioning or confused, here is a video that covers comphet pretty darn well. Also, here’s the Late Blooming Lesbian Subreddit. And here’s the Made it Out podcast, which almost exclusively covers women realizing their true sexuality later in life.

*I wrote about life milestones like marriage and kids as hetero things, but of course, plenty of gay people (myself included) are totally supportive of marriage and plenty of queer women are moms and parents.